A client that has been working on pulling away from trying to "fix" things and save his marriage from the brink of divorce asked a brilliant question today. "I get that I need to stop PRESSURING my wife to fix things but when is the right time to start working on the marriage?" The time to begin working on the marriage is when you finally realise that your purpose and mission isn't necessarily in that direction. The moment our wives pull away is generally the same moment we begin to feel anxious, depressed and incredible sadness. In the throes of our own misguided thoughts, we assume it's because of what is happening outside of us that we feel this way, and that the only way to stop feeling this way is to (at the very least) get things back to the way they were before. We rarely give a second thought to the fact that the way it was before is rarely the marriage we wanted anyway. We just can't handle the discomfort that comes with the uncertainty of a marriage in limbo-land. Most men, when asked what their ideal relationship looks like haven't the faintest idea and can only think in terms of what they DON'T want. "I DON'T WANT to constantly walk on egg shells when I'm around her". "I DON'T WANT to feel anxious". "I DON'T WANT to be in a sexless marriage".
What this means is that they don't want the relationship they have now.
But even more specifically they don't want to FEEL how they feel right now and the assumption is that their wife leaving is creating that feeling inside them. From this mindset, it can be difficult (if not impossible) to work out where their own direction is, given that they are still trying to move towards their old relationship on the assumption that that is where they want to go.
It is worth noting that living in a state of AVOIDANCE is by definition the OPPOSITE of being attractive and attracting more of what we DO want. The relationship cannot be your destination, mission or purpose. If it is, it creates an incredible burden on your partner and you become RELIANT on her to direct and guide you. This is the OPPOSITE of MASCULINE LEADERSHIP. Whilst in the relationship, you can see the direction SHE is going and begin to think that that is where YOU want to go, because that is where the relationship is. It's easy to mistake where she is going as where you want to go also. When the divorce or separation bomb drops, the last thought on the minds of most men is: "Okay, this is an opportunity for growth and to establish who I am and where I am going". But this is in fact the ONLY way to move forward and thrive despite what is happening. So when should you work on the marriage?
When both of you have calibrated your own individual compasses to where you want to go.
When (as individuals) you can recognize the direction you want to be heading and begin moving towards it, THEN you can see if you are both heading (or want to be heading) the same way. If you're pointed in the same direction, then you can work out if you can both accept each other exactly as you are - if not, then you work out what you're happy to compromise on and what is non-negotiable. If you're both still happy to proceed knowing full-well what you both want and what you are in for THEN working on the marriage becomes much easier. The irony is, when we realise that most issues that we have with our partner are just projections of our own bullshit onto them and that when they piss us off or upset us it's just that they have triggered an insecurity within us, there really isn't that much work to be done. You're not going to do therapy in order to be able to tolerate each other and you no longer hold them responsible for your own feelings and emotions - so you can just relax into BEING with each other simply for the sake of BEING with each other without changing the course of your own direction.
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